Why does it feel like I am invisible sometimes?
I just turned 58. And over the years I have heard women older than myself talk about becoming invisible. Ignored in stores. Dismissed by younger generations. Snickered at in the gym. I sense it now. I have felt it.
I have a pool at my loft. I love to sit out there sometimes and feel the heat of the sun on rare days that I have the time. But on days when it is busy with young buns in thongs, I sense that I am now in a different category. The aging soul among the soup of youth.
Ask me if I care.
At 58 a calmness has decended. I now luckily have reached an age where I may start to be invisble to the general public, but I also possess the peace to undersatnd that what used to bother me about myself I have embraced. Self-love is hard-earned.
The only time I don’t feel invisible is when I am around other artists. When I am teaching a workshop or enjoying my mentorship classes with my knowledge-thirsty mentorees who are now my beloved chosen family, I feel seen. I feel worthy. I feel young.
Because age may bring wisdom, but it also brings wisdom. (yes, I wrote that twice) And I have become smart enough to know that struggling for those size 6 jeans that I have fought for for decades did not bring me peace. It occasionally gave me injuries. It gave me fatigue. It gave me a feeling I was never good enough and the bar would never be reached. I see people now on GLPs and they become stick-thin. And they are already young. Already thin. So what are they fighting? The bar never gets reached to skinny enough?
Oh, I still workout now. I want to stay active and strong. I love the reformer again. Yes, the very equipment that ripped my stomach open over 15 years ago and led to my crazy surgeries. Isn’t it ironic how life is circular? But this time I have a robotic stomach and can’t rip anything ever again. And I watch the donuts.
But now I give myself grace. I worry about so many women I see that have to still have the body of a 24-year-old. I have been a portrait painter long enough to realize that you don’t get both- you can’t have a skinny body and a young face. You can’t. At my age you have to chose or split the difference. I have yet to meet a 60-year old skinny woman that doesn’t look 10 years older. If you starve yourself and have less fat, then you will look older. It is a fact. A few years ago I dated a bodybuilder and he was younger than me. Great abs, but I felt like I was out with my dad. Inject shit into your face all you want, but you will still look older, and sometimes just weird. Maybe time is meant to humble us.
When I was younger I never felt strong enough. Skinny enough. Young enough. But enter the arena of my studio? Enter the arena of my classroom? Enter an exhibition where my work hangs? I am beautiful. I am strong. I am young.
I am enough.
I have always believed that I was going to get through anything in my life. I was stubborn enough to believe it wholeheartedly so much so that I never worried about the future. Not in college. Not in high school. And it has been a gift. If I need something? It will happen. And it has always been that way. My friends affectionately call me “MMF” – Manifesting MoFo. It is because I like to think the universe is on my side. So, I have been blessed with an abundance of enough. To do what I love. To help those I love. And to become tangible by being seen through my work.
So I guess as I get older I will become even more overlooked. More ignored by young, hurried, waitstaff, by kids in the street, by teens at the pool.
But my goal now? That my work will guarantee that you may not see me, but you will not forget me.
Well said Christine ❤️
Thanks! 😁
So true. I love your emails. Thank you.
😁
Excellent comentary on life as a whole. Live your life to satisfy yourself ; not to please others.Is it possible to be shareable?
Agreed. Yes. Please share!
I love this 💕 You should publish this as a letter to your younger self. It is beautiful ❤️
For me aging comes with those that edit ideas, my feelings , my actions. Learning to stand firm and stand tall is a continue nuance that I did not see coming in this season.
You inspire my process… thank you.
Beautiful sentiment!
Agreed. One thing that annoys me is when sales clerks address us as “young lady” or my husband as “young man”.
Such great insights, advice and observations! You’ve accomplished so much and are valued by so many.
Excellent post, Christine!
You are exactly right. Art makes you visible.
Well said, my fearless leader! So many thoughts we have all felt as we age, but with positivity we surge on with confidence and calm. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Astute and articulate.
The question is what is valuable?
Measuring your days by asking each night “did I have a good day?”
Are you happy? Did you choose what you did or did circumstances alter you way? Was it still a good day to be alive?
Life is a journey. And being invisible is part of the experience.
But you will always be visible to those who have met you.
You are human. Your work will stand the test of time. And your spirit will live on well past you through the lives you have touched.
I am grateful to know you and hope your days end with a smile of satisfaction. Not easy, or not what you wanted everyday. But you choose to smile and overcome obstacles. And live another day gratefully.
Touché!
Oh boy do I understand totally. When young, I had legs up to my neck and could go go go, all day long. Well, I’m 80 now. Not 20. At least 20 pounds overweight. Then I had to do, then do some more. Too busy to stop and relax for more than 15 minutes. Now I want to listen. I see and hear things now that I didn’t then. And I’ve lived here since 1972. I find I am insignificant in most arenas. And actually, I prefer it. No one asks if I need help. “Can I help you find” whatever. “We have some lovely…” But… Not in the classroom. There I am an equal. I paint most days. Plein aire and still life mostly. I have peace that I did not have in my 20’s. Now, I say what I think, within reason. Eat what I want, within reason. My mouth gets me into trouble often. Then, I kept low and mouth shut, I put up with a lot that I don’t have time for now. The only thing I wish was the same, is my house was cleaner then. And Christine, it only gets better. You are still young and vibrant. You have plenty of time.
Well said. Life can be too short for many people so enjoy the people and things you love now.Those are what is important! I am 68 and am trying to live that mantra.That is the best thing about Art. The beauty, joy and peace in it can bring you to your knees. Keep creating… you are far more seen than you think! Love your exquisite work!! Thank you!
If only we came upon these realizations earlier. But, as you said, with age comes wisdom.
At turning 68 this year and knowing 70s is just around the corner In my mind, I still feel like I’m in my 30s and for so long was trying to keep my body there with so much disappointment. You write beautifully, Christine and this totally resonates for me. Thank you. Thank you!