I am busier than ever… so why do I feel that I am not getting much done?
I was going to release my second video today. That was my goal. But, as you may have guessed, it is not ready yet. I have had my classes, workshops and commissions cancelled, so I should have all this extra time right?
Days are starting to blur together. And I don’t think I have slept this much in years. Which is a good thing. I have watched more movies and snuggled with my kids more than ever. The joy and guilt is is starting to fade and now I am restless.
Don’t get me wrong, I have been far from being a shlub over the past few weeks of quarantine because in a way my life has not changed that much. I still change out of pjs every day. I am painting nearly every day and now I am making time for meditation and yoga. I am cooking more and cleaning more (all kids are home and I realize in an unconscious effort for some kind of control, I clean – a lot. ) My studio has had a complete overhaul. Power walks around a nearby cemetery has become my comfort as weird as that sounds. Laser tag fights are common around my townhouse now so I run up and down the stairs and chase my kids. We have bake-offs. We play board games. We fight. So I am more active than ever.
But I feel a loss. And some days it is hard to stay focused. I recognize the feeling as grief. And when grieving I realize that what I thought I would do one day I just can’t seem to wrap my head around. So I do something else. And before you know it someone says it is 7 pm or it is Friday and I realize that I haven’t done what I thought I would do for the day.
Then there is the fleeting panic. It sneaks up on me at night. Money. Health. Sanity. Loss. Life is weird now. And we are all feeling the loss of our comforts. Our routines. Like losing a best friend and then realizing too late that they were never your best friend to begin with. Only an illusion. It leaves a hole.
So every time I go out and walk I tuck flowers in my hair from the pretty trees that I pass to remind myself that Spring is here and life is Lemon Yellow. Because some days it is hard to remember that. It is still the calm before the storm and the hurricane is not here yet, but it is coming.
So I am putting together videos. Learning how to teach classes online. Figuring out how to be more connected on social media. Painting. Painting. Picking up more artists that I mentor and assessing my priorities. Like you. I am so busy! But I feel I have less to show for it.
I know – it is ok. And the video will get done after I have a few more laser tag sessions with my kids. We are not alone in our aloneness. We are all in this together. I am not the first to say that, but please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
Peace. Painting. Purpose.
Perfectly expressed. Thank you for speaking for me. (I just wish I was playing lazer tag with my kids).
thank you so much. I appreciate you reaching out. I wish you peace and new happy memories during these times.
A lovely statement Chris. I just got finished doing a Skype session with a new student. We are into basic drawing and it’s lovely. I’ve never taught anyone to draw! I thought about a Zoom workshop and just couldn’t do it. But I’m keeping in touch with my students and we are exchanging paintings and critiques and a lot more.
I hear you are supposed to come to Maryland in the fall. I hope that it will happen. I could have used you yesterday–I tried to do my first ever self-portrait in pastel! A disaster!!! I will keep at it but I know I’m much better at houses!
Stay well. Jean
HI Jean! hehe. I can’t imagine you ever creating a disaster. I do hope I get to come to Maryland. Such crazy times. Yes, I am looking into the online classes too. As soon as I have anything lined up I will let everyone know. Just burn that painting (referencing my video that I posted a few weeks ago- hope you saw it) and move on to the next one. You can do it!
Beautiful Christine and I feel this so much! 😘
hugs my friend!
Oh, Christine! This is so well said and I feel every word of it, for and with you!
You do amaze me though! You are strong, courageous, and you have so much purpose! God is truly with you. I hope you spend time with Him, because you need Him and He needs you! I don’t think you realize how much of an inspiration you are to those who follow you. You are on my prayer list!
Oh Donna. Thank you so much. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. (Which makes it hard to type! hehe!) I feel your love and support. Know I am sending it back.
So many people, I’m sure, can relate to this. And many more, like me, need to hear this right now. Thank you. Will try to get at least one photo of my work in today. Just one. But I feel like I’m trying to walk thru knee-deep mud.
I know right? knee-deep mud. Yes, such a visual. And it feels that way. Peace to you. We can do this! Create in a new softer way and be more forgiving perhaps with ourselves.
Your reflections here resonate with so many of us. You’re not alone; we’re not alone. We will get through this, together.
And strange as it sounds, I am optimistic we will look back on some of these hours as “good old days,” with a sort of nostalgia, like the war years have taken on a sepia patina in our collective memory. And that’s comforting to me.
So glad you wrote.
thanks so much. yes, time does heal and soften everything. Thank goodness.
Thank you for putting some of the feelings I’ve been having into words.
You closing thought, “We are not alone in our aloneness.” Will stay with me. Peace to you too
You bet! It is such a struggle to even write about this “void” feeling. Words don’t seem to express the soft, silent sadness. Peace to you.
Thank you so much for sharing. This was really wonderful to read. And super relatable.
You are so welcome. We artists are sharers!!
Fantastic blog. thank you. Enjoy the moment. Life is short
Too short. Hugs my friend!
Oh so true Christine. You have expressed what I am feeling to a tee. Yes, it is grief. Lost income, lost purpose, lost routine, lost freedom, lost connection. But I am learning to slow down, take time for me and find joy in the moment. As the future hides its face, I shall turn to the now. Today I shall draw. Freely and without any purpose other than to enjoy it.
so beautifully put. Yes, the now is important too. I must remember that as well. Thanks for sharing.
Your description is spot on! Thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences, it makes me feel that what I am experiencing is more normal because it’s shared by others.
You are welcome. Yes this new normal is weird and I appreciate the response. Gives me comfort.
Thank you for sharing this. It’s comforting to hear another artist voice the same feelings that I’ve been having. I’m sitting at my computer “writing.” But, obviously, the only thing that I’m writing is this comment to you. I have a half-finished oil painting on my easel, I have the first chapter of a novella, I have a half-clean office, and today I don’t even think I’m going on my walk, as the weather is cold and rainy. I want to try some watercolor, experiment with pastel again – I don’t know what’s keeping me from any of this. I, too, am sleeping, cleaning, and cooking more than ever, taking more walks, playing more board games with family. I miss my daughter, who is only 1/2 hour away from me, but in social isolation, might as well be in another country. I”m guessing that you didn’t need this outpouring, but your post unleashed my thoughts, and it helps knowing that others are having this weird combination of frenzied motivation juxta-positioned with ennui and distraction.
HI Rita. no, I needed this response more than ever. Sometimes I release a blog or post a painting and then it feels like I am in a quiet void until someone replies. So thanks for sharing. I know in my head we are all in the same place, but it is comforting to get it confirmed. Such weird times and I guess it is only natural we feel a bit off through all of it. Know you are not alone and thank you so much for sharing.
Beautifully put Christine. Have a glorious Easter!
Christine I am reading and re-reading your posts. Your remarks and those of others describe my last few weeks. I wasn’t able to concentrate when our kids were sick with the virus. I felt bad about not painting but it was too hard. I like the flowers in your hair ! Keep that going ! This, too, shall pass.
glad your kids are all ok.