I have been silent the last few weeks.
There have been many reasons why. Sometimes in life you are forced to shut down. Heal. Question everything and occasionally rage at the night. I have been overwhelmed with life and I have had to go silent. No painting, no teaching, no quirky blogs.
A few weeks ago I almost died. Literally.
Complications from surgery to repair a botched surgery from 10 years go along with extremely neglectful care in the hospital left me with collapsed lungs filling up with fluid until a crash team descended. But not before I was ignored for a long time while trying to get help. No response to those good ol’ nurse buttons. I finally found myself throwing pitchers of water and food out of my hospital room door (thank god it was open) in order to draw attention to my situation. At one point I was asked by the emergency doctor to nod my head yes or no for consent if they could intebate me and restart my heart if necessary. That is when I knew I was not only in serious trouble but that I had to go quiet. Slow my breathing. Slow my heart. And I had to do it myself. And then for some reason (I have no idea why) a buddhist mantra popped into my head which I repeated in my mind over and over again until there was nothing but silence and those words in my head. They say your life flashes before your eyes. Or that you think of those that you love. No. That didn’t happen for me. I could only think of my next breath.
I had many nurses and doctors over the next few days say they were happy I was still alive. Yeah, me too. I was told by a pulmonologist that it was lucky that I can run a mile or else I might not still be here. I guess when I started running for the first time in my life at the start of covid, there were more reasons for it than I knew at the time. My lungs opened back up and I came home to night terrors of not being able to breathe. They are less frequent now.
My daughter is also not well. Many health complications with her heart at her age of 21 has me so upset with our medical system, care and the insurance insanity that I can hardly speak about it without rage. And other issues have piled up and piled up until I feel like I am suffocating just like that night in the hospital. Without help. Alone.
I have also experienced grief and betrayal. It has made me question everything and everyone. Trust. I have always run on my gut instincts. But recently it has let me down. I guess I need to be more logical so I can cocoon myself with justifications. Seems to work for others. I now find myself putting up walls and pulling down expectations. Because opening yourself up gets ya slapped in the face.
Raining, now pouring.
So if you know me, you know my solace is in the woods. In the silence and in the quiet. The Japanese call it “forest bathing.” They believe being in the woods is necessary for health and repair while soaking in the oxygen of the trees and the sounds of comfort from the woods. As soon as I can walk better I will be doing a lot of that. Though I won’t be running anytime soon. But hopefully in a few months I will start again. I know now how very important that is and I will not take the simple act of breathing for granted ever again.
I am healing. And I am extremely grateful to so many of those that have helped me through this crazy, low point in my life. With food, errands, driving me and my daughter to doctor appointments and just sending love.
But for now my silence will continue. I’ll be back someday soon. Promise. I didn’t survive to stay quiet.
My god… with everything else going on…. So glad you are strong enough to survive this….. thank you for sharing your very vulnerable self… and heal quickly…. I too find solace in the outdoors…
Thanks. All this brings gratitude of the deepest degree. It will be ok.
My prayers are with you , Christine! Heal and have hope and health.
Thanks!
I am praying for you and your daughter. May God heal you both— body, mind and spirit.
Thanks so much. I really appreciate it.
You have written beautifully of all you have and are going through. Your plans, in my opinion, are wise. I hope to meet you some day.
HI Victoria. Thank you. It is such an outlet for me. Trying to write about my experiences. All of them- good or bad. Thanks for sharing along with me. I hope to meet you as well one day. 😊
I haven’t seen your face for a number of years, but know this, you are never alone. I think of you every day. You have me, and if I am not wrong, many, many others, thinking of you every day. I am sorry you had to deal with it all. But so happy that you are stubborn and clear headed enough to do what needs to be done to get what you need. I’ve always liked that about you. Prayers for your continued strength, and prayers for your daughter. Love the silence. Sometimes it’s so strong, so loud, so overwhelming, that there is no room for the anxiety and angst that we all feel at times. Our world becomes calm and we can think.
Oh Donna. How beautiful. Thank you. I think of you often as well. You have such a big heart. Yes, silence is beautiful and I have been able to think and heal. Thanks for breaking the silence and reaching out.
Wow, I am so sorry to hear this. I am praying for you and your daughter. May God be with you both. We love your work and the person you are.
Truly. Thank you.
Christine, I’m so sorry for what you’ve been going through. I love your art and your blog and have a clear sense of what a strong and positive person you are. You know what you need and are taking good care of yourself. It’s so sad that you’ve been so let down by people you thought you could trust…but you will get through this. Sending healing thoughts for you and your daughter, with warm aloha from Hawaii.
Thank you! I feel the warm hug!
Christine,
Wow. You sure are dealing with a lot at one time. As you know, I was watched my husband, Larry struggle With ALS. I remember how it was when he had trouble breathing. I also know that there is nothing harder than watching a child of yours in pain. Knowing people cared about us was a huge comfort. You have many people who care about you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Debbie Maier Jackson
Thank you Debbie. I know you understand. Peace and hugs for you.
That’s a horrendous and truly sad story Christine. Sending warm thoughts and virtual hugs from Australia for a swift and full recovery. Sue
Thank you Sue!
I have wondered where you were; I’ve missed you & am so glad you now have the strength to put your words down & they help you heal. I hope you continue to improve and your daughter is able to find the help she needs. You are not alone.
Thank you. Yes, writing of any sort was just too much. But I’m making my way back.
mes best wishes for a full recovery. I’m sure that your creative gift will help you through. Courage et patience.
Yes! Courage and patience. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing so eloquently your struggles and knowing when to break the silence. Nature in its many forms is a great solace. Continue to find strength in the natural world.
I am adding my thoughts and prayers to all for you and your daughters healthy recoveries.
Thank you so very much.
Thank you Christine for sharing your story with us. I appreciate that you dare to be brave by being so vulnerable. I admire how genuine you are with your gift of writing as well as your art. I am grateful you and your daughter have survived. I sometimes feel we go through these horrific incidents in life so we can be lights to those going through the exact same thing or something painfully similar. Most of all, it’s good to know that we are not alone. May you continue to heal. Look forward to hearing more about your journey when you re-emerge. Prayers for you and your daughter. 💕
Thank you. I am surrounded by good friends. And so many have so much to fight too. I will be back soon.
Hello Christine…..I have been thinking of you, not knowing what has gone on…..wow, I’m so glad to hear you are quietly recentering. I have also had to learn about pacing myself and the need to withdraw at times from the noise of life that often doesn’t matter. Continue to serve and heal, and I hope to meet with you when you are ready. Your wisdom will guide you. Marianne
Thank you. Peace to you as well. Yes hope to see you someday soon.
Sending many prayers for you and your daughter, Christine. I can’t believe how much you’re going through,…but I know that you’ll come through it stronger than ever! Be well!!🙏🙏👍👍
Thanks Phil!
Christine,
Sorry to hear about you and your daughter’s health. Rage – Yes; Quietude – Yes. Seems like they should conflict, but you need both. Save some of that energy to shine a light on the negligence. There are exceptional medical staff who care for and watch over their patients, but the chaff need to be called out. Praying for steady and permanent healing for you.
Agreed. Thanks.
Thank You Jesus for saving our friend Christine and her daughter. Please reach down and touch their bodies, their minds and their souls! Draw them to You, the ultimate source of Life and Peace! Christine, I, too, had one foot in the grave 12 years ago by now. It changes you; it changes priorities; it changes what is important. Look for and cherish those changes. Eternity takes on a more important meaning and the fragility of this life makes one appreciate family and friends on a deeper and more profound level. Thank you for sharing your story and your feelings. Let go of the rage by forgiving everyone and yourself. It will prevent you from healing in many ways. Praying for you and your daughter!! We love you!
Thanks you!!! Hug!
OMG Christine! Know you are well-loved, my friend. Stay strong and know I am here to help in any way I can. We will cheer your award for Eminent Pastelist loud and long from here at IAPS. We miss you.
Thanks Jan!!!!
Christine, You are a beautiful, strong spirit. You do not deserve any of the pain, neglect and betrayal you’ve suffered. I admire your strength, grace and perseverance. Please know that you are in my thoughts each day and I am sending as much good energy as I can… {hugs}
Thanks Berni! And thanks for all of your help…..
So sorry to hear. Had a long comment, but erased. Take care and know the others are thinking of you
hi. Thanks for reaching out. Sorry if the site erased it. I appreciate your thoughts.
Oh My…I am glad that you came out fine. Prayers are with you and your daughter. Yes, from time to time when we get so frustrated, we need to be “silent” and think about the bright sides in every angle to lift us up again. Please take care.
thank Mitzi! But you know me… I will only be quiet for so long….😊
I have been all around the country and met many artists but few truly gifted ones, such as yourself. What I noticed with the really remarkable artists is this, they all have some kind of suffering, as if that was the price to pay for the divine gifts given them. Beethoven, deaf, Van Gogh, bipolar. Victor Fan, a fellow student at the Academy of Art. This list goes on but there are too many to name. Dear Christine, your first work, the small one of your child was the single best work I have seen in Pittsburgh in my lifetime. You must know who you are and continue to paint like your legacy is at stake. Take care of yourself and make you and your work a priority above everything else. We all have only so much time.
Oh Loretta. How beautiful. I can not tell you how much your words mean to me. As an artist you know how the art is everything. It is what we breathe. It is what gets us through. Yes, only so much time. My new body of work will be released soon. And then you can understand the healing I have truly been going through. hugs
Prayers to you for a full recovery – you are one tough cookie! I, too, started running the year of Covid, at the ripe age of 51. It made my heart stronger. I’m sure you just increased your chances of survival by tenfold!
Do what you have to do in order to heal. Your ardent fans and supporters will be here when you are ready. Much love to you!
Aww thanks! And good for you! Something about running right? Even just short distances. Therapeutic.
Ongoing prayers, positive energy and thoughts to y’all.. Baby steps, celebrate success, trust yo gut.
Amen
Once again I am amazed and in awe of your courage and strength Christine. I pray that you and your daughter will find complete physical and emotional healing. Take the time you need without pressure to produce. I look forward to seeing your beautiful art when the time comes.
Thanks Sherry. Good advice. But don’t worry. I’ll be back in a few months.
I didn’t know why you were gone, but I hope knowing all of us out here are rooting for you and your kids is a comfort against all these traumas. We’re pulling for you. You’ve got this. It may not be easy, but you’re tough and you’ll see them through this.
Thanks Missy. Thanks for following along. I’ll be back soon.
Wishing you time to nourish your soul too and with you gift to paint I wish joy to surround your spirit…
Thank you.
You have called upon your inner strength and survived…and you will always know that part of yourself now. You deserve any big or little “forest bathing” you can find- over and over – heal and heal some more– now and in the future. I know you are not through going through more that is put before you….but you will survive! This I have no doubts! Hugs!
Thanks Deb!
Art can be very therapeutic in quieting the mind, once you have your strength back. Sending prayers for a full recovery for you and your daughter.
Amen.
What a frightening experience. It makes me mad to hear how you were treated. My heart is with you and your daughter. Gentle thoughts and breathing.
Thank you.
Many thoughts and prayers for you and your daughter. Sending sunshine and forests of trees.
Aww. Thanks!
I’m so sorry to hear of all you’ve been through, but am glad you shared. From all these comments, I see you are not alone but loved and valued by so many. I, personally, have learned so much from you. And you’re more than a “survivor.” 🙏
Thanks Ann!
You are an amazing person in so many ways. Besides your talent , you are so giving of yourself. May God help you through this difficult time.🙏🏼
Thank you. 🤗
Christine, I am so sorry you and your daughter have gone so many trials of late. I will pray for you both, In Jeremiah 17:14 It says “Heal me O Lord and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for You are my praise.” You are a special child of God, He has not forsaken you!
Hi Christine, Oh My what you have been through. My many prayers for you and your daughter for full strengh healing . Loads of healing. Getting better all the time, mark Johnson
Amen
Dear Christine, following your blog from Germany. Thank you for sharing what happens to you!
I hope and pray you and your daughter feel better now.
If you have still breath problems: I made my lungs expand ( after metastases from breastcancer in the lungs) by singing. Like running its a chance to get better
Lung function back. Although I have a 30 % reduced lung I have 95 % funktion back.
Hi Sabine. Thanks for reaching out. That is so funny you say that because when my lungs were still diminished in the hospital I thought of how in high school I was in the choir and they would teach us “around the world” breathing- in other words, shove as much breath as you can into the sides and bottoms of the lungs and all around your sides very consciously. I kept doing that and I felt my lungs pop back open. It was the craziest thing. It helped more than all the breathing treatments.I am so glad you have your function back and I hope you are doing well. Wishing you many deep breaths!